BETRAYED AND BETRAYAL

Trust, what a delicate little bitch. 

First off, don't think for a second I can help you regain it, or help you learn how to forgive others. I can't, and quite frankly, no matter what you read anywhere, all the psychoanalytical mumbo jumbo in the world won't help you let go of any real betrayal. Although, I suppose there may perhaps, be a loophole for those who are religious enough. The point you will read and hear most often from sources online and off and from those older and wiser than you, is that you don't forgive your betrayers for them, you do it for you....blah blah blah. That's a crock. I can see their point though, it is WHY, we are supposed to forgive. So we don't spend our whole lives letting old shit rip us apart and destroy our ability to put trust in other human beings.

How did those older, wiser and psych studying folks come to that conclusion? Duh. By letting old shit rip them apart their whole lives and destroy their ability to trust other humans. They fared no better at forgiving or being forgiven than anyone else, for that matter. As they've gotten older and "wiser" they do however, realize if only, oh, if only, they'd let painful shit go...maybe, their lives would have been happier and they would have been better off. Well, of course they would have. And if forgiving and forgiveness for true betrayal was as possible as they'd have us believe, we'd all be happier and better off wouldn't we? Sure, we would. But if you've ever really been betrayed by someone you trusted, or betrayed someone that trusted you; chances are neither you, nor they stand a chance. The pain you experience and the pain you cause, they fade with time but unlike scars on the outside, emotional pain is like an everlasting scar on your soul. Teensy bit more fragile there. Those wounds remain, like a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off every time you see or hear anything that triggers the memory. If you're a forgetful sort, you may do a little better than those of us who have trouble forgetting. Then again, real pain has a way of sticking with even the most absent-minded.

So, we spend our lives mostly in pain, trust me this is true...the older you get the more people around you will kick the bucket, inflicting one pain after another, and that's assuming your life is otherwise perfect and death is the only bad thing you ever have to face. It won't be. But let's remember while this is a suicidal blog...jumping off the metaphorical bridge, no matter how much we may want to is not the goal here. We may be both betrayed and betrayers, but adding to the pain of those around you just to stop your own pain, is one of those ultimate painful betrayals to the people who give a fuck about your existence. And as I pointed out in my first post, even if you truly are physically alone in this world, for whatever reason, doesn't mean you always will be.

Full circle there. Trust again. To have anyone new enter our lives, we must be able to at least be open to the possibility, that there are other people on the earth that won't betray our trust. If we have betrayed and carry the guilt, we have to be open to the possibility that we are capable of learning from our mistakes, being good enough to not repeat them and therefore, still on some level, worthy of trust as well. Like I said before, I can't help you get to either of these points. Half the time, I feel like a rabid animal more likely to bite or run from an open hand, than accept that anyone but those who still have my trust, would possibly ever be a kind and trustworthy person without a hidden agenda.That's where both being betrayed and betraying bites you in the ass. No matter which end of it you find yourself on, you are now fully aware of just how much backstabbing pain you can receive or give. And if you can betray and you consider yourself a good person, so can any other "good" person. It amazes me, just how important trust is to us, as humans in order to not only connect, but also to survive.

We must trust those adults around us, as children to provide and protect, yet there are insidious "parents," all over the globe which do neither for their young. There we are again, "aware" of just what pain is possible, even from those who would dare attempt to play the role of "parent." If you have parents who provided and protected, be grateful. I am. Sure, they can damage, doubt there's a one of us walking around without "mommy" or "daddy" issues but if they didn't toss you in a dumpster or worse, be grateful. If they tried their best for you and you still find yourself on a suicidal blog, that's okay, too. They TRIED, be grateful. Chances are you have your own issues and how your parents treated/treat you is just a tiny piece of the pie of suck, that landed you here.

I have a long memory, some would say better than most and raw overwhelming emotion only heightens memory for me. So forgiveness is hard if not impossible for me. And like most I've been both a "good" person and a "bad" person. You would think when you fuck up, you'd be more understanding and likely to forgive those who fuck you over, wouldn't you? But it doesn't work that way. If you do a TON of soul searching, you can see how they messed up, why they messed up and maybe even technically or logically understand it, but it won't make it any easier to forgive them. All you truly end up doing is comparing. Your "sin" to their "sin". You are you and you know exactly why YOU did what you did, but no matter what your betrayers say, you will always wonder. They broke your trust, after all. Hurt you. How can you believe a word they say? You can't BE them, therefore you will never truly know why they did what they did. Psychology will tell you, we ALL have some motive for every thing we do. A REASON. Does knowing the motivation behind someone's betrayal help? It actually, does.

Case in point. A punk kid steals your ipod, just because, vs. a kid stealing food from a store to survive or feed someone they care about. Both stealing, but is there a difference in how you view the thieves? Sure there is, we're all judgmental asses, we can't help it. Even the most accepting people still judge others. Always comparing one thing to another. Human nature, how we learn. Comparison. Good vs. Bad. Safe vs. Danger. Really conservative types, will find the thieves to be equally "bad" the punk kid and the starving kid should both find a way to work for what they want/need. I'v never found myself comfortable in either "political" camp. Do I agree both thieves should find a way to earn what they want or need, yes. But am I more likely to forgive the starving child vs. the "just because" punk, answer to that is a resounding, YES, too. You must also remember, I gave those motives.

Let's switch it up. The ipod stealing kid is now a beaten and broken miserable child at home. He finds in the few rare moments he hears music, it brings him peace and escape from the hell in which he lives daily. (Which I personally can relate to, music saves many a broken minded person) Now, the staving child didn't steal from a store of plenty, he stole from the grocery bag of a single mom, busting her ass day and night, working multiple jobs to feed her own children. Motive makes a difference. So it helps to know WHY, someone else inflicts pain on us. Was it "just because" or did they have a reason you can understand or relate to? I have found if we can relate to the motives of others it does make LIVING with their betrayals easier. Empathy, which I will always advocate for, is helpful in finding a way to relate and understand the hurtful actions of others. Will it bring forgiveness? Not really. But if you can live with it, without that soul-wound erupting and spilling salt all over the very fiber of your raw being, you might learn to accept that person's, or another's open hand again. That's when we tentatively, "trust" again. I don't know about forgiveness, but the possibility of trusting again I find inevitable, if given enough time and being aware of motives helps in the comparisons needed to decide who is worthy of trust and who is not.

Eventually, you will regrettably get slapped again and have to repeat the process. That is merely the bitch of life. The Wheel spins, you will be up and you will be down. When you are happy, that dreaded feeling of waiting for the proverbial "other shoe" to drop will always be with you. And there is not a single damn thing wrong with expecting that shoe, it's always coming, for EVERYONE. That really common saying "Life sucks and then you die," is true. Sad, but true. Accepting it as fact blows, but knowing it's the same for absolutely every other living person and thing in the universe makes it a little easier to take, at least for me. Pain is relative, mine is nothing to you beyond sympathy or empathy, and vice versa. At least with empathy you can feel it, rather than just being passively understanding of it. Even those with empathy who can feel your pain and carry it with us, does not lighten your own burden. Your pain is still your own and you still have to carry it. So why would I advocate more empathy for others? Why would I tell you to suffer not just your own misery, but to feel and actually carry pieces of  other broken souls as well? Simple really, if you are strong enough to carry your own and a piece of everyone else's too, you will be less likely to intentionally hurt others with your actions. And we could all use less pain in our lives, could we not?

The patterns of life all seem to be circular. Up and down, round and round the wheel, karma, what goes around does indeed come right the hell back around. Does it mean we "deserve" everything good or bad that we get? Maybe, maybe not. The balance is there, however. No matter how good or bad someone has it, things always change in time. For better or worse, we must all merely survive the down to reach the up so we can fall again. If not for ourselves, then for those that care, those we care for. Do you really want to knock down everyone around you, that gives a shit, prematurely? If you have any empathy for them you certainly shouldn't be willing to make them face your death any sooner than they have to. And death comes for us all eventually. So for another day, suck it up with me. Yes, life sucks, yes death sounds damn near, too fucking good to ignore but if not for ourselves, for others, let's tough it out and try to keep the people around us from the downward spiral we ourselves are trapped in.

Point of the day, who ever said we could "trust," that death will be any easier? If it's even remotely life-like, death will bitch slap us all too. Keep that in mind as you push through, once again. The reaper we keep thinking of is likely a back-stabbing fuck just like everything else in life. Devil, you know and all...

Today's music. For the lift, try out TRAPT's "Living in the eye of the storm" and "Headstrong." For the wind down, cry it out to, STRAYS DON'T SLEEP "For blue skies." Yeah, really, cry if you want. I actually won't judge, that.