HAVE WE MADE A DIFFERENCE?

The question every suicidal person wonders, whether we admit it or not, how will we be remembered?

Allow me to answer that one for you right now; Selfish, will be what we're most remembered for. No matter how much good we've done, how positively or negatively for that matter, we have affected other's lives. Selfish, will be their first thought of us for a very, very, very long time. The memories that torture us to the cliff will be the very thing that tortures the ones we leave behind. For better or worse, memories, such a silly little word, describing something only visible to each individual from their own point of view, is what creates who we are, shapes who we become and is the very invisible fabric of WHO and WHAT we are. 

Are you really a person if you have no memories? Not really, the term "brain dead" and "vegetative" state, come to mind. Does a carrot know if it's a carrot or not? Probably not, but let's be honest here, I've never actually been a fucking carrot, so who the hell knows if it's self-aware or not. Perhaps, it was going along just fine, enjoying it's carrot life, until some uncaring human chopped it up and tossed it in a boiling pot of stew. All gone, no more carrot. Like I said, I doubt it. So without memories we are no longer really living any kind of existence. 

Our memories are created by both time and simple self-awareness. Even our unconscious dreaming adds to our collection of memories. Each memory connecting to the others like Legos, the building blocks of us. So, the question remains for the SUISIDALLY, inclined, how will we be remembered? My personal suiside, always convinces my logical side, that in time, the people that care about me will get over it. They'll move on as we all move on from the deaths in our lives. Eventually, they'll see beyond the selfishness and remember the good things I did in my life. The positive things, they'll remember the love and affection I gave, the sacrifices I made and the things I did for them. That's how death works. First we mourn, then we REMEMBER the lost. 

There's just one hitch in that logic when you commit suicide, you're adding another step to the process. First they mourn, then they must FORGIVE, then they'll remember you. And if you have read the previous post, you know where I stand on real, true forgiveness. Bit of a phantom thing, we all strive to do in order to go on with our lives after physical or emotional trauma. We never really forgive pain inflicted by others. We merely, in time stick it in a little box in our head, labeled "Do not open," and try to avoid thinking about it and the triggers that blow the box wide open. As other painful memories accumulate we compare them to the other "hurt boxes" in our crazy ass mind "attics," we sort them, we organize them, hell we even 'cherish' them, in some cases for the knowledge they taught us. The very way we organize the "hurt boxes" determines how falsely we feel "forgiving" towards any particular box. That big one in the front hurt more and for longer than the tiny one in the corner, so the tiny one in the corner is less painful by COMPARISON to others. Therefore..."forgivable." Which really just means rarely thought of or remembered. 

Big hurts, fresh hurts, long lasting hurts, they all get a place in our memories. The worse we perceive them to be the better and less painful the others look next to them. The death of someone you really love, that HURTS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER. Inside and out, mentally and physically and it NEVER truly goes away. It's as permanent as death itself. So, in the memories of the people who love us, we must consider that our INTENTIONALLY inflicting the death of a loved one on them, well that's a big ass, never ending "HURT BOX." How will they organize it in their memories? Front and center, baby. That box is so huge and so endless, it will never look any better to them, even stacked with all the other hurts that they carry with them. So will they ever be able to get to that third step of death? The good memories of us part? Not really. Like many ultimate hurts, there is no true forgiveness and suicides inflicted pain has very little that compares to it. Without something worse for comparison, our last act becomes unforgivable. No matter how "good" or "bad" we were the truth is, for the most part our loved ones memories of us will always be first and foremost, anger and rage at us for the intentional pain we inflicted on them. 

And let's face it, I like honesty, even when it hurts. So ask yourself this question: How long have you been depressed and locked in your own miserable mind before you got to this point? With that in mind, how long has it been since you have actually been a worthwhile person to know? How many people and interests have you dropped, just because you feel like shit and can't escape it? Weeks, months, years, decades? How long has it been since you were able to crawl out of your dark hole long enough to install a good memory of yourself in someone else?  We have to think. We have to consider. It's all that stands between us and what the SUISIDE is begging us to do. I don't believe real forgiveness exists. Just comparison. And logic tells me, nothing compares to the pain of a loved one dying, much less at their own hands. They won't forgive us, not because they don't want to, but because they really CAN'T. Just as for whatever reason, we can't forgive whatever hurts got us here. 

So how will we be remembered if we give in? Most likely? Selfish. Just selfish. Nothing more. Stick it out. Ups and downs, sooner or later something WILL feel better in our lives. we just have to live long enough to get to it. We fall, we stand and we fall again. Live for the stands, it's all we or anyone else really has. 

Music of memories, a toast to the invisible fibers of us. FALL OUT BOY's "Centuries" and THE FRAY's "Hold my hand."